Altruism Is Not the Same Thing as Being Kind

The moral confusion that turns generosity into self-destruction.

Can being altruistic make you happier?

Nicole Karlis set out to answer this and related questions in her book, Your Brain on Altruism, which she recently discussed in an interview with Hope Reese.

In the interview, Karlis stated that being altruistic “gives people a sense of purpose. . . .We found that [having a sense of purpose] can improve cognitive function and slow cognitive decline.” She adds, “Even talking about kindness can put you in a more relaxed state….”

Karlis makes important observations; being kind, giving to others, and volunteering can be good for you, and they often are. I generally enjoy helping others and being kind, whether holding the door open for someone, letting someone go ahead of me in line if they’re clearly in a hurry, or supporting a friend through a tough time. Most people today still accept altruism as meaning the same thing as being a good person. But altruism is not the same as kindness, generosity, or sharing. Altruism is something else entirely: the consistent sacrifice of your values for the supposed benefit of others.¹

To make a sacrifice is to give up something that rationally is (or should be) more important to you in exchange for something that rationally is (or should be) less important. In other words, it is a net loss.

Throughout my life, I have made many sacrifices. I’ve struggled to identify what I want, and I’ve often given in to what other people wanted in ways that were ultimately not good for me. For example, there were many times in college when my friends wanted to party late, whereas I wanted to go to sleep early so I could wake up energized to work on personal projects that were rationally more important to me than partying. But I didn’t want to tell my friends no, so I joined them—and felt guilty as a result. That was a sacrifice; I gave up higher values (sleep, working on personal projects) for lesser values (partying with friends, avoiding discomfort). Also, I have wanted to become a better writer for a few years, but I have not put in the necessary time and effort. I have prioritized other things, such as certain relationships, other work, exercising, or learning about different subjects. I sacrificed one of my highest stated values—writing—for lesser values. (These lesser values are not unimportant; some of them are very important to me. The point is that pursuing them is a sacrifice if I give up an even higher value in the process.)

Being kind doesn’t require us to sacrifice. In fact, healthy kindness involves acting in accordance with our rational values. We can (and arguably should) be kind to others by default, so long as doing so wouldn’t constitute a sacrifice or an act of injustice. We should generally be kind to others because, in general, being kind to others is good for us and supports many of our other rational values—not because being kind requires us to sacrifice.

The other day, I helped my neighbor set up her printer. I got joy from this; not only was setting everything up a fun puzzle, but she greatly appreciated it. It felt good to receive her gratitude. This was not a sacrifice because I was gaining values without having to give up anything that was (or should have been) more important to me.

Now suppose that my neighbor asked for help while I was on my way to my first day of work at a new job that, by all accounts, would massively improve my life for decades to come. If I chose to help her knowing that it would make me an hour late to work—and that I likely would be fired—that would be a sacrifice because the values I get from helping my neighbor, although important, aren’t and shouldn’t be more important than my career.

Being altruistic—unlike being kind—necessarily requires you to sacrifice.

When I was in college, I made it my mission to help as many people as possible—irrespective of my own values. Specifically, I wanted to “cure” aging and save lives. I put this mission above my own happiness. I didn’t spend much time with friends, pursue hobbies, or date because I didn’t see how those things connected to getting better grades or to my long-term goal. I deeply wanted friendships, hobbies, and a love life, but it felt wrong to go after them, and this constant conflict of values made me immensely unhappy. This was a clear case of acting altruistically—and it made my life worse.

As we can see, kindness and altruism are different things: One can be and often is good for you, and the other is never good for you. Consider this difference when someone uses the term altruism; does he mean being kind, or does he mean that you should sacrifice the things that matter most to you?

1. For more resources on the nature of altruism, see “The Psychology of Altruism” by Ayn Rand, Altruism (ethics), and Altruism Has No Clothes.